1. The fact that my husband made me sleep on the couch does not mean he doesn't love me, it just means he won't be getting a blow job for Christmas.
2. I would not trade my life for any of the Beverly Hill's Housewives. I'm pretty comfortable in my orthopedic flip flops. But those crazy bitches are sure fun to watch for hours.
3. Kids have a high tolerance for pain. Both Hank and Maren had strep throat a month ago and were each down about a day. This shit has stolen a week of quality December shopping time.
4. A heating pad is not just for the over 60 set.
5. Math really is useful. I totally figured out how much of Hank's Tylenol 3 would be an appropriate dose for me to get a good night's sleep. On the couch.
6. I prefer Sha-Quanda as a pet name over Pale Face.
7. There is a rodent of unusual size living in the wall. Behind the couch.
8. Old school Popsicles aren't too bad when you're desperate. Craig did the shopping and said the real fruit popsicles I buy when he's sick were too expensive.
9. When you're drinking Nyquil Martini's, it is easy to forget small details like what time your kid gets out of school. I only forgot Maren once. She survived.
10. If you wear the same pajamas for a week, they may stick to your bed sores. Never mind, I think that was a funky dream I had after procuring Hank's Tylenol.
Dear godI hope you feel better soon! I am glad you figured out a way to keep the drinking/pills afloat with step throat that's alot of research I don't have to do now. Thank you!
Posted by: robin | 12/11/2011 at 09:39 AM
I'm a firm believer that the sick person should get the bed...the well person can take their chances or choose the couch...he doesn't deserve a blow job for Christmas! You should totally go get some of those expensive popsicles and just show him what he could have had, had he be nice instead of naughty...
Posted by: Lindyez | 12/11/2011 at 09:45 AM
Oh no; I'm sorry to hear it knocked you on your butt. Hope you're feeling better :)
Posted by: angela | 12/11/2011 at 11:52 AM
Not only am I the chairman, president and CEO of sick, I'm also a client.
I could have hooked you up with some adult goodies. In fact, I have enough narcs in my house to feed an entire third world country...and they'd have a pretty good time.
Being sick blows.
Speaking of which, you can always buy Craig this since he made you sleep on the couch and all
http://www.edenfantasys.com/masturbators/blow-job-imitators/just-lips
Is it creepy that I googled that for you?
Posted by: Kimberly | 12/11/2011 at 12:25 PM
I prefer the kids tylenol and cough medicine...way better than the adult version. And for some reason I figure if I overdose on kid meds the results won't be so bad?
Posted by: Robbie | 12/11/2011 at 12:39 PM
I'm so sorry you've been sick, but holy shit that was funny!! Just last week I was trying to figure out how much of the kid's old bottle of cough medicine with codeine would suffice for my cough. And hell yeah, no BJ!
Posted by: Jennifer | 12/11/2011 at 01:34 PM
What a great way to find the "funny" in a sucky situation! Seriously though, there is nothing worse than when the mom gets sick. The catchup work you have to do afterwards is like two weeks worth of chores! I love the one about the good Popsicles being too expensive!
Posted by: Beenomom | 12/11/2011 at 02:36 PM
God, I love this.
Nyquil martinis are the best.
Hope you are felling better soon.
Posted by: Tonya | 12/11/2011 at 02:53 PM
Bed sores need kids meds, too. Desitin and a&d ointment
You know I know the pain of strep. Fucking blows. Unlike you on Christmas.
Posted by: Mommakiss | 12/11/2011 at 02:57 PM
If you gave Craig the BJ he might get strep dick. Getting even is important to a healthy marriage.
Posted by: Bridget | 12/11/2011 at 02:59 PM
Rat bastard! Cheap popsicles? Next time remind him that sugar FEEDS viruses (and bacteria) so you need the fruit ones, since they won't make your symptoms WORSEN! (This is actually true. Ever notice your throat hurts WORSE after sucking on a candy?)
Posted by: Ludicrous Mama | 12/11/2011 at 03:15 PM
Too expensive? No BJ for new year's either I see.
Posted by: Klz | 12/11/2011 at 03:38 PM
He so does NOT deserve a BJ for Christmas! Shame on him! Hope you're back to your old self soon!
Posted by: Eva Gallant | 12/11/2011 at 04:10 PM
Kids always bounce back faster than adults when getting sick. No idea why but it freaking sucks. Hope you are feeling better. If I ever get strep I'm calling you for the Nyquil martini recipe.
Posted by: Jessica | 12/11/2011 at 04:33 PM
OH man!! I'm so sorry that you have been sick! I hope you are feeling better soon. I totally agree with you,Christmas should be a BJ free zone for all!
Posted by: Hopes@Staying Afloat! | 12/11/2011 at 07:36 PM
I'm glad you're on the mend . . . but, damn, it sounds like you really had it rough.
When we passed around the stomach bug not too long ago, everyone in the family puked no more than once or twice . . . except me, as I was up all night (I actually spent most of the night in the bathroom).
I'll never understand the rules where the sick person ends up spending the night on the couch...I understand needing to separate the person who is coughing & tossing & turning & generally miserable from the person who isn't . . . but the faster that the sick person is better, the quicker the next blow job might be received.
Posted by: John | 12/12/2011 at 08:24 AM
I'm so happy I've found you. #1 is the funniest line of all time. Hope you're better.
Posted by: Missy | 12/12/2011 at 08:38 AM
If that's what you typically give your husband for Christmas, you need to get on the mailing list for Sports Authority coupons. A whole hell of a lot easier.
Posted by: Ali | 12/12/2011 at 08:47 AM
Ooh, I would be livid if my husband had me sleep on the couch when I was sick! At least you can get off easy for the Christmas gift. :)
Posted by: Brenna @ Almost All The Truth | 12/12/2011 at 09:50 AM
Poor sick Poppy.
I hope you're feeling better. Or that you've upped your NyQuil dosage.
Posted by: Suniverse | 12/12/2011 at 11:01 AM
I am familiar with what happens when you don't change your pj's for too many days. It seems I always end up in emerge when that happens to me, then I gross myself out.
Also familiar with too many T3's. Once I shot a vlog after too many, I deleted it so don't ask.
Hope you are feeling better soon friend.
Posted by: Kristin | 12/12/2011 at 12:24 PM
Ha! I would have liked to see that vlog I think. Your vlogs always crack me up. Under the influence? Hysterical.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:11 AM
Oh I totally feel better thank you. However, the man cold has started. Great.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:11 AM
I have to be fair and disclose that he did sleep on the couch the first night :) The second night he was so uncomfortable he slept in the bedroom, but said I was coughing so bad he couldn't sleep. THEN, he asked me nicely to move to the couch because he only slept 6 hours in two night and was pretty tired at work. However, I will be teasing him about this for years.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:13 AM
This year Santa will be bringing him coal.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:15 AM
Uh, I outsource that shit.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:21 AM
Nyquil in a martini glass. Shaken, not stirred. YUCK!
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:31 AM
Yep I am feeling feisty again and don't feel a bit sorry for him and his developing "man cold"!
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:32 AM
Ha ha! Rat Bastard is my pet name for my ex husband!! I will have to know he is on thin ice. I thought the cheap ass popsicles were pretty funny - but I was pretty miserable so I ate them anyway.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:33 AM
I'm showing this to him.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:37 AM
Oh please. You know I outsource the BJ's.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:37 AM
Finally, I am human again. But now I get to deal with the man cold. I'm not sure who I should serve the Nyquil Martini to at this point!
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:38 AM
Ha! Ha! Oh I hear you and right before Christmas no less.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:40 AM
Exactly. It was most of the bottle actually. So glad I saved it, but he didn't need it anymore!
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:41 AM
Feeling great now. Just have to deal with the "man cold". My sympathy is not running too deep.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:44 AM
Ha Lindy! Now that I'm feeling better I think that is an excellent idea.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:45 AM
I'm nothing if not resourceful. I'm glad someone appreciates my talents. Apparently not my husband.
Posted by: Poppy | 12/13/2011 at 06:46 AM
Hope you feel better soon! I'd buy you the expensive popsicles. Guess that means you can buy him cheap ones next times he's sick :)
Posted by: Audrey | 12/14/2011 at 05:48 AM
Thank you, but he will be lucky to get popsicles!
Posted by: Poppy | 12/14/2011 at 06:41 AM