10 Things I Learned While Sick

1.  The fact that my husband made me sleep on the couch does not mean he doesn't love me, it just means he won't be getting a blow job for Christmas.

2.  I would not trade my life for any of the Beverly Hill's Housewives.  I'm pretty comfortable in my orthopedic flip flops.  But those crazy bitches are sure fun to watch for hours.

3.  Kids have a high tolerance for pain.  Both Hank and Maren had strep throat a month ago and were each down about a day.  This shit has stolen a week of quality December shopping time.

4.  A heating pad is not just for the over 60 set.

5.  Math really is useful.  I totally figured out how much of Hank's Tylenol 3 would be an appropriate dose for me to get a good night's sleep.  On the couch.

6.  I prefer Sha-Quanda as a pet name over Pale Face.

7.  There is a rodent of unusual size living in the wall.  Behind the couch.

8.  Old school Popsicles aren't too bad when you're desperate.  Craig did the shopping and said the real fruit popsicles I buy when he's sick were too expensive.

9.  When you're drinking Nyquil Martini's, it is easy to forget small details like what time your kid gets out of school.  I only forgot Maren once.  She survived.

10.  If you wear the same pajamas for a week, they may stick to your bed sores.  Never mind, I think that was a funky dream I had after procuring Hank's Tylenol.     

 

Photo Credit

Comments

[robin]

Dear godI hope you feel better soon! I am glad you figured out a way to keep the drinking/pills afloat with step throat that's alot of research I don't have to do now. Thank you!

[Lindyez]

I'm a firm believer that the sick person should get the bed...the well person can take their chances or choose the couch...he doesn't deserve a blow job for Christmas! You should totally go get some of those expensive popsicles and just show him what he could have had, had he be nice instead of naughty...

[angela]

Oh no; I'm sorry to hear it knocked you on your butt. Hope you're feeling better :)

[Kimberly]

Not only am I the chairman, president and CEO of sick, I'm also a client.
I could have hooked you up with some adult goodies. In fact, I have enough narcs in my house to feed an entire third world country...and they'd have a pretty good time.
Being sick blows.
Speaking of which, you can always buy Craig this since he made you sleep on the couch and all
http://www.edenfantasys.com/masturbators/blow-job-imitators/just-lips
Is it creepy that I googled that for you?

[Robbie]

I prefer the kids tylenol and cough medicine...way better than the adult version. And for some reason I figure if I overdose on kid meds the results won't be so bad?

[Jennifer]

I'm so sorry you've been sick, but holy shit that was funny!! Just last week I was trying to figure out how much of the kid's old bottle of cough medicine with codeine would suffice for my cough. And hell yeah, no BJ!

[Beenomom]

What a great way to find the "funny" in a sucky situation! Seriously though, there is nothing worse than when the mom gets sick. The catchup work you have to do afterwards is like two weeks worth of chores! I love the one about the good Popsicles being too expensive!

[Tonya]

God, I love this.

Nyquil martinis are the best.

Hope you are felling better soon.

[Mommakiss]

Bed sores need kids meds, too. Desitin and a&d ointment
You know I know the pain of strep. Fucking blows. Unlike you on Christmas.

[Bridget]

If you gave Craig the BJ he might get strep dick. Getting even is important to a healthy marriage.

[Ludicrous Mama]

Rat bastard! Cheap popsicles? Next time remind him that sugar FEEDS viruses (and bacteria) so you need the fruit ones, since they won't make your symptoms WORSEN! (This is actually true. Ever notice your throat hurts WORSE after sucking on a candy?)

[Klz]

Too expensive? No BJ for new year's either I see.

[Eva Gallant]

He so does NOT deserve a BJ for Christmas! Shame on him! Hope you're back to your old self soon!

[Jessica]

Kids always bounce back faster than adults when getting sick. No idea why but it freaking sucks. Hope you are feeling better. If I ever get strep I'm calling you for the Nyquil martini recipe.

[Hopes@Staying Afloat!]

OH man!! I'm so sorry that you have been sick! I hope you are feeling better soon. I totally agree with you,Christmas should be a BJ free zone for all!

[John]

I'm glad you're on the mend . . . but, damn, it sounds like you really had it rough.

When we passed around the stomach bug not too long ago, everyone in the family puked no more than once or twice . . . except me, as I was up all night (I actually spent most of the night in the bathroom).

I'll never understand the rules where the sick person ends up spending the night on the couch...I understand needing to separate the person who is coughing & tossing & turning & generally miserable from the person who isn't . . . but the faster that the sick person is better, the quicker the next blow job might be received.

[Missy]

I'm so happy I've found you. #1 is the funniest line of all time. Hope you're better.

[Ali]

If that's what you typically give your husband for Christmas, you need to get on the mailing list for Sports Authority coupons. A whole hell of a lot easier.

[Brenna @ Almost All The Truth]

Ooh, I would be livid if my husband had me sleep on the couch when I was sick! At least you can get off easy for the Christmas gift. :)

[Suniverse]

Poor sick Poppy.

I hope you're feeling better. Or that you've upped your NyQuil dosage.

[Kristin]

I am familiar with what happens when you don't change your pj's for too many days. It seems I always end up in emerge when that happens to me, then I gross myself out.

Also familiar with too many T3's. Once I shot a vlog after too many, I deleted it so don't ask.

Hope you are feeling better soon friend.

[Poppy]

Ha!  I would have liked to see that vlog I think.  Your vlogs always crack me up. Under the influence?  Hysterical.

[Poppy]

Oh I totally feel better thank you.  However, the man cold has started.  Great.

[Poppy]

I have to be fair and disclose that he did sleep on the couch the first night :)  The second night he was so uncomfortable he slept in the bedroom, but said I was coughing so bad he couldn't sleep.  THEN, he asked me nicely to move to the couch because he only slept 6 hours in two night and was pretty tired at work.  However, I will be teasing him about this for years.

[Poppy]

This year Santa will be bringing him coal.

[Poppy]

Uh, I outsource that shit.

[Poppy]

Nyquil in a martini glass.  Shaken, not stirred.  YUCK!

[Poppy]

Yep I am feeling feisty again and don't feel a bit sorry for him and his developing "man cold"!

[Poppy]

Ha ha!  Rat Bastard is my pet name for my ex husband!!  I will have to know he is on thin ice.  I thought the cheap ass popsicles were pretty funny - but I was pretty miserable so I ate them anyway.

[Poppy]

I'm showing this to him.

[Poppy]

Oh please.  You know I outsource the BJ's.

[Poppy]

Finally, I am human again.  But now I get to deal with the man cold.  I'm not sure who I should serve the Nyquil Martini to at this point!

[Poppy]

Ha! Ha!  Oh I hear you and right before Christmas no less.  

[Poppy]

Exactly.  It was most of the bottle actually. So glad I saved it, but he didn't need it anymore!

[Poppy]

Feeling great now.  Just have to deal with the "man cold".  My sympathy is not running too deep.

[Poppy]

Ha Lindy!  Now that I'm feeling better I think that is an excellent idea.

[Poppy]

I'm nothing if not resourceful.  I'm glad someone appreciates my talents.  Apparently not my husband.

[Audrey]

Hope you feel better soon! I'd buy you the expensive popsicles. Guess that means you can buy him cheap ones next times he's sick :)

[Poppy]

Thank you, but he will be lucky to get popsicles!