The Big Dick

I'm still not sure how we survived our adventure after watching such movies as "Taken", but my girlfriend and I spent a good part of the fall of 1995 backpacking through Europe. When I say backpacking, I mean hooking up and drinking a lot. I will spare my husband the gory details of my sordid past, but lets just say collectively, the boys in the swiss army have great personalities.

Our game plan for tackling the continent was to spend as little money as possible so we spent a lot of time on the train sleeping to save on lodging costs which meant a lot of time in train stations.

I need to mention that neither of us spoke a foreign language. I took the requisite 2 years of spanish for college admittance, but retained nothing and my girlfriend claimed to know Japanese but she was just fucking with people.

We were particularly tired to the point of giddy one night waiting for a delayed train in Paris. There were a row of benches facing us and seated across was an attractive Parisian couple a few years older than we were, but I really wasn't paying too much attention to them. My friend got up to find le toilette and leaned over to me in a quiet voice, but not really in a whisper and said "don't look now, but that guy has the biggest dick I've ever seen". With that endorsement coming from her, I couldn't help but look and of course we both started giggling uncontrollably. 

This was no ordinary penis. I still have no idea if this was a prosthetic or if that monster was really attached. Usually I don't have such a negative reaction to cock, but this was not good. I found myself really hoping that he was circumcised. Who wants to worry about losing their car keys in their boyfriend's foreskin? It was disgusting and he had no business wearing pants that tight.  I swear if he would have unleashed that beast, it would have hit the floor.   

After we were done laughing at him and our train was delayed yet again we decided to head to the bar. After a short time, along comes the guy with the king kong dong.  He approaches us and asks if he can share our table.  In English.

We have more beers and pleasant conversation.  He tells us about his girlfriend that he just put on the train and we tell him of our travel plans including the part where we plan to return to Paris in about a month.  Our train finally arrives and our new friend walks us to the platform and gives us the customary kisses goodbye.  We hadn't been in Europe very long so at this point it was only two without tongue and an ass grab.

I'm not sure how it was that I got left behind to field this question solo, but my friend somehow made it on to the train before I did. 

"Do you like my Big Penis?" is what I'm pretty sure he said.  Not that I hadn't heard those words before, but they usually sounded more like, "Would you like to see my CD collection?"

I was really hoping I was wrong so I threw my hands up in the air and feigned a puzzled look and said, "What, I don't understand you".

He repeats, "Do you like my big penis?"  only louder as most people do when there is a communication barrier.  People are looking at us now because every person in France speaks English.

I am bright red at this point, my wingman who started this shit has abandoned me and I'm sticking with the "I have no idea what you are talking about" strategy.

Ron Jeremy becomes highly agitated because apparently his package is usually a selling point, but it scared me.  Finally out of frustration he blurts out, "Dick, I have a big dick, do you want to see it when you come back to Paris or what?" in a thick Jersey accent.  It was priceless, but I was far too freaked out to appreciate the comedic value at the time. 

I turned around and broke out in a full on sprint with my 50 lb backpack and didn't look back. If he followed after me, he must have tripped on his mammoth manhood or punctured a testicle with his car keys because I made it safely to the train to thank my friend in sign language for all of her help.

Paris.  What a romantic city.

 

Comments

[Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points]

Now see, when you hit Paris with a five-year-old, NO ONE offers you a tour of the inner city like that.

[Heligirl hates her MIL]

OMG, I wish I could say I can't believe it, but my sordid past reminds me I'd be lying. The fact that he claimed to have put his girlfriend on the train earlier would have been cause for me to slap him, or perhaps swing my backpack just right and bump him between the legs with enough force to take him out of the game for a bit. The scary thing is, this line probably worked for him before. :shiver:

[Natalie]

I don't even have a comment. That's the funniest travel story I've ever heard! He probably would've showed it to you for 5 bucks - I would've paid it ;)

[Poppy]

I've been telling this story for so damn long, that I wasn't sure how it would translate written down. Hard to describe that long schlong without hand gestures, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Shelley]

Woooow...that's disturbing!! I can't believe he would actually say that. What a cocky (ha!) SOB.

[Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)]

Way too funny. I love the picture of the Eiffel Tower, kind of sums it up.

Glad you made it out unscathed.

[KLZ]

Who yells that? A big dick apparently.

When will men learn that an appendage large enough to choke on is just scary.

[Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him]

Was the thing EXPOSED? I threw up in my mouth when you mentioned the lost car keys. I always think of sharpei dogs with all the folds.

Wasn't backpacking the best? I never saw those kind of 'sights' but fun nonetheless.

[Poppy]

No, it wasn't exposed and I truly don't go looking at male genitalia. It was THAT noticeable in his tight pants. This story is so much better with hand gestures. It took a few a while before I thought this story was funny because I felt violated.

Yes, backpacking was the best. Though nice hotels, daily showers, and fine dining might be worth a try on my next trip.

[Jessica]

Oh my gosh! I would have wanted to just die!!!

[Poppy]

I am from the camp that they are all too large too choke on and this includes bananas from 7-11 clerks.

[Princesskisha]

That is absolutely hilarious, and for the record, I totally would have asked to see it. Bwah ha ha ha.

[Poppy]

You are a braver woman that I Princesskisha. I might have looked now, but then, no way.

[BigMamaCass]

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I just peed a little. LOL! That was AWESOME!!

[Jennifer]

That is awesome... AND make-you-snort hilarious! I am torn between being horrified and honest curiosity about HOW BIG WAS IT? I don't think I would have asked to see it either, because I would have been afraid he would expect me to DO something with it! And it sounds like that could be painful.

[Cheryl]

I don't even know what to say. Too bad he didn't drop trou right there. You could've taken a picture. Or maybe you just should've kicked him in the knee before you ran. Then again, if it got injured, it'd probably swell.

Thanks for dropping by my blog - it brought me here, and gave me a good laugh!

[kelly]

I have not hrd this story before.....I love it.....your story not the monstrosity (spelling) ?? lol

[DomesticatedGal]

Wow. Just Wow.

Sadly, genitalia seem to be a huge part of international relations. When we lived in Korea, one of the "natives" wanted to know if my newborn brother was a girl or a boy. After failing to understand my mother's withering look, the woman proceeded to PULL DOWN HIS PANTS to check. in the middle of downtown Seoul. Fortunately, that seemed to answer her question. It was also the last time my brother wore elastic-waisted pants.

[The Urban Cowboy]

If that happened to me I would have kicked it...oh yea, that's cuz I'm a guy. Hilarious that he had the gall to approach right after his girlfriend left, oh yea, you were in France.