D-I-V-O-R-C-E

 

I go through periods of blocking it out completely, but sometimes an ordinary smile, deep belly laugh, or innocent eyebrow raise from my eldest daughter will force me to remember.  I repress it again quickly, but I did spend 4 years of my youth legally married to Rat Bastard.  So even though I am presently married to the best husband I've had so far, I know divorce is ALWAYS an option and I highly advocate it to anyone thinking they may have made a mistake.

It took a mere two weeks to realize my fuck up, but it took almost 4 years to fix it.  I remember when the words, "do me a favor and go get hit by a car because being a widow would make me look so much better than a quickie divorce" floated effortlessly out of my mouth.  I was taken aback that I could think such a thing let alone be so angry that I lacked the self control to edit this.  Ding Ding Ding, something ain't working here.

I still had a cramp in my hand from writing thank you notes and I really did like the Kitchen-Aid mixer so I thought I'd try and stick it out at least a year.  One year turned into knocked up and it just became a ridiculous time sucking cycle.  He would do something stupid, I was right, he was wrong, I'd yell, he'd take it, he'd leave, he'd come back, I'd be mad, he didn't care, eventually I'd have to talk to him, and he'd do something stupid.  Repeat.

I'm not putting ALLof the blame on Rat Bastard, just most of it and this is my blog.  I think our compatibility issues should have been tested with some good old fashioned shacking up.  I will encourage my children to live in sin because I know without a doubt if I would have lived with or even vacationed with him for as little as a week prior, there is no amount of tequila that would have made me go through with it.  In retrospect of course there were many signs that this union was doomed from the start, but being young and stupid I remained blind in the name of love rather than taking them for what they were.  BIG FUCKING CLUES.  For example ladies, a man with a Glamor Shot of his mother on the night stand of his bachelor pad (who also argues that it belongs in your married bedroom) may not be a catch no matter how cute he is.  

I retained custody of my beloved Kitchen-Aid mixer.  Not unlike my solid current marriage of 8 years, it has been serviced a couple of times, but is still going strong.  Unless there is something I don't know about, I am not headed for divorce court anytime soon.  Then again, it might be nice having the kids every other weekend.  I probably would have to get a job to afford the child support because I am not going to fight for custody this time.  Watch out Disney Dad because Mastercard Mom would kick your ass.

This isn't random pick on Rat Bastard day.  I'm partcipating in Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop that she hosts on her blog every Thursday.  Click on her button for more info or to join in.

Comments

[Cheryl Rosenberg]

Over from the workshop.. Sounds like you sure got wiser through it all. And what WOULDN'T we do for a KitchenAid? Love mine!

[KLZ]

Over from Mama Kat's

This really, really makes me want a new mixer. Think I can divorce and remarry the same man in order to get new wedding gifts? No?

[Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him]

I think I'm going to bequeath my URL to you since it sounds like you've got a lot more stories where this came from.

You do seem wiser. But you clearly started so wise if you registered for a Kitchen Aid.

[lisa]

Reading your blog totally entertains me. I am beginning to see you as a celebrity :) Thanks for sharing your great outlook on life with us !!!!!

[Natalie]

Well, I have a Rat Bastard, too. Fortunately, I didn't have kids with him so I no longer have to see him.
Things always seem to work out, don't they? I've been with my hubby for 10 years now. Thank God I found him!

[AngieB]

You know KitchenAid should probably have an ad campaign about how its mixers outlast most marriages . . . and how even women who are still married have more positive things to say about their mixer than their husband. I mean, if the house was on fire and you could save the hubby or the mixer. . .

[Poppy]

Thanks Lisa, but be careful I'm already having trouble getting my head through the doorway.

[Poppy]

That makes you a hell of a lot smarter than me!

[Poppy]

I'd wake him up and toss him the mixer.

[Lindy]

Did I tell you about the "meat grinder" attachment? The possibilities are endless :-)

[Poppy]

That would have made my life a whole lot easier about 15 years ago!