Funny or Snot

The Cookie Flinger

 

Thanks to Duncan Hines for sponsoring my writing. There's no limit to the baking possibilities, so grab your favorite Duncan Hines mix and Comstock or Wilderness fruit fillings and Bake On! www.duncanhines.com.

 

On Sunday, I attended my first cookie exchange.  In my excitement to attend a party with some of my favorite women, I glossed over a few important details.  Apparently I was supposed to make two dozen and two different types of cookies to exchange as well as containers to carry home the goods.  Maybe it was just my invitation, but mine just read:

"Ditch the kids, cocktails start at 1:00"

I was really proud of the chocolate malt sandwich cookies I did bring.  I had even made a practice round earlier in the week to make sure they were cookie swap worthy.  I got an enthusiastic thumbs up from everyone except Maren. 

When I was greeted at the door with my choice of a blueberry or cranberry signature cocktail, I knew this was going to be my kind of party.  It was obvious as soon as I arrived to a sea of cookies that I had not brought my fair share.  It felt like I dropped a wad of chewed gum into the offering plate so I tucked my two dozen in the back.  

As the signature cocktails turned to pomegranate sparkling wine and overachievers kept arriving with twice as many as they were supposed to bring, I cared less about my paltry offering.  I reasoned they were sandwich cookies and it was kind of like getting two for one.  It's not like I went to the Dollar Tree and bought them.  I didn't even let the kids help so they were practically hygienic.

All of the cookies were so good.  Well, mostly.  I heard a rumor that one very rude party guest took a bite of a cookie lovingly prepared by the hostess and flung it across the room.  I'm not sure how this email would have gotten to my inbox, but......

Niki,

I totally misread the Evite.  I thought it was an obnoxious cousin and cookie throwing party, not a cookie exchange and ugly sweater contest.  If those were the rules, I totally would have won.  If you invite me next year, I swear I'll be better behaved and not drink 2 magnums of Cooks.  In all of my rudeness I didn't even thank you for inviting me.  I really did have a great time.  As you see by my refusal to leave your living room, I don't get out nearly enough.    

Humbly,

The Asshole Cookie Thrower

 

Poppy,

 No big deal who hasn't eaten a cookie and then thrown it to ground viciously and with absolute disgust. I mean by your facial expression you did look like you ate a shit sandwich....LOL

 Last night was an absolutely blast. I'm glad you came and I'm looking forward to next year.  I think it's going to be a END OF THE WORLD cookie party.  And since earth and life as we all know it is going to end...we should really throw caution ( and  a cookie if needed) to the wind!

 Love you lots!!

 XOXOX

Niki

For the record, I prefer my cookies chocolate and made from a cake mix.

www.duncanhines.com to find some great recipes for your holiday get-together! I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective.

My Favorite Ornament

If I would have known it would have taken a couple of years of Craig wearing boxers and avoiding hot tubs before I wrapped up this present and given it to him 8 years ago.......

 

I never would have wasted all that beer money in college on birth control.  

 

 

Field Trip Hell

Chosen Chaos and Mommy2cents are hosting a Ghosts of Blogging Past link up.  I am bending the rules slightly as I started out blogging inconsistently and only went down from there. I chose my 3rd post which wasn't technically my first week.  My first few posts were as painful to read as my stacks of unsent fan letters to Tiffany.  In addition to my love of bubble gum pop, I also really like the run on sentence as demonstrated in:

Field Trip  Hell

 

 

It's probably not fair to my other children who haven't started school yet to swear off chaperoning field trips forever, but I'd really like to.  Today the destination was the Chinese Gardens in downtown Portland for a tour of the gardens and then lunch with my daughters 6th grade class.  Apparently there were a lot of parents genuinely interested in attending this field trip because there were too many chaperones.  I desperately wanted to raise my hand and yell "pick me pick me" when they asked if any parent wanted to sit this one out, but I didn't want to disappoint my best behaved offspring.  Big mistake, disappointment builds character.

Ok, so the gardens are outside (duh) and it was a might chilly day.  I dressed like I was going cross country skiing, but the sixth grade girls in my group weren't so smart.  Out of the five girls in my group only two of them were wearing socks, and one didn't even have a jacket.  I was still cold despite being bundled like the little brother in A Christmas Story movie so I knew the girl without the jacket must have been freezing.  I felt terrible for her.  Not terrible enough to offer up one of my layers, but hey I did feel empathy. 

This was my first trip to the gardens so I wasn't sure what to expect.  They were lovely.  If I would have known they existed prior to this field trip I could have killed a good 10-15 minutes and $8 on a self guided tour exploring them on a beautiful spring day.  Or better yet, they have an online virtual tour and photo gallery.  We were held hostage and talked at for two hours about things I didn't care about so I can imagine a 6th grader would care even less.  We were given a list of guidelines to remind the children to keep quiet to not disturb the tranquility of the gardens.  I wanted to hand them each a stick to bite on to keep their teeth from chattering, but that would have broken the "do not touch" rule.

After we survived the garden tour, it was off for an authentic Chinese lunch buffet of fried rice, noodles, and sweet and sour battered something (we'll just go with chicken) for 3 bucks a head.  While I'm sure it was a step up from the typical hot lunch served at school, it was definitely a step down from the hot pocket I'm used to eating for lunch, but I did enjoy the tea.  Though I only have the anecdotal hair on my fork and dead fish floating in the dirty tank to offer as evidence, I suspect this restaurant might have problems passing a pop health inspection.  No one was complaining because salmonella was preferable to frostbite.

 

The Face Raper

A few months ago Hank declared that the neighbor girl was his girlfriend.  At the time, I doubted this was an original thought.  The neighbor girl is one of 4 sisters and Maren is good friends with one and Sophie with another.   The neighbor girl is as sweet as can be and adorable too which makes the next part of the story disturbing.

Hank dislikes pants of any kind.  He takes them off the minute he hits our front door.  He takes after his father in that he is all torso and no legs.  When he first came out of my body at birth, I seriously thought there was something wrong with him.  And, well there is, but body type is the least of our worries.  Nevertheless, his short little legs cause his pants to drag on the ground so he takes them off as soon as he can get away with it.

We live pretty rural and get virtually no drop in company and very few solicitors so I just let him be.  The other night though I needed to bring two of the youngest neighbor girls to my house unexpectedly after a church activity in the evening.  When I arrived home with the kids, Hank of course greeted them in his underwear.

I hollered at Hank to get some pants on, but didn’t follow through in making sure he complied because I was in the midst of making cookies when I went to pick up Maren and the other girls from church.  I was trying to finish and clean the disaster that was my kitchen before the neighbor came over to retrieve her children.  The girls each had a cookie and went upstairs to play.  Hank tagged along.

All of sudden I heard a huge commotion.  Maren came ripping downstairs to dime Hank out for kissing the sweet young neighbor he had designated his girlfriend.   I swear Hank came down the stairs with a swagger.  He was proud.  The poor neighbor girl looked horrified.  I asked her what happened:

“Hank kissed me and I didn’t want him to”

Great, my son is a face raper.

Hank didn’t dispute the facts.  Unfortunately, it took more than a few minutes discussion for Hank to view the situation as negatively as I did.  I had a long talk with him about how it was inappropriate to kiss girls that didn’t want to be kissed. 

Especially while not wearing pants. 

He apologized sweetly and promised to never ever kiss her again.

The last I heard he was looking for an easier girlfriend.

 

 

 

Marqeta Card

I have a confession.  I am so sick of email.  If you're anything like me, your inbox is flooded with daily deals.  While I'm not opposed to saving a buck, I am numb to the multiple offers.  I rarely even look at them anymore.  

Recently I had the opportunity to try a new type of discount shopping that is a little different than the daily deal type presented by Groupon, Juice in the City, Plum District, etc., that you may be familiar with.

It's called the Marqeta card. Marqeta partners with local merchants to reward consumers additional dollars for committing to spend a specific dollar amount at the business. 

For example, one of my favorite pizza places, Pizza Schmizza, right now is offering an additional $10.00 if I agree to spend $40.00 up front.  The money I commit never expires, but I have 2 months to use the additional dollars.  My family of 5 will burn through $50.00 of pizza pretty easily.  Since this is a business I go to anyway, this makes using the Marqeta card a no brainer.  

I have only used the Marqeta card once and I have to let you all know it didn't go as smoothly as described in the pretty literature.....

I was the lady with the rejected Marqeta card at the register. 

It was kind of like the time I was at the discount grocery store and forgot my wallet after I had bagged my own groceries.

Apparently Finnegan's Village Toys, where Craig and I had gone shopping, had switched their card processing system the day before and were not online with Marqeta yet.  It was a little embarrassing, but I was willing to take one for the team in the name of research.  I'm sure the problem  has been worked out now.

Craig and I still considered the day a win.  We had a great time at the coolest toy store in the Portland metro area and even found a portrait of Craig's long lost twin brother.

Here is a quick summary of my thoughts on the Marqeta card: 

PROS

• You don't have to carry a coupon - LOVE that.
• I haven't been flooded with a ton of email.  (I suppose this could change when they add more merchants, but hopefully you will have ability to change settings)
• You have more control over what you want to purchase.  
• It is tied to your debit/credit card, so you can go over the amount of the offer when you are at the business without hassle.
• No credit check.
• Committed dollars don't expire
• Can transfer committed dollars to other offers at no charge

CONS

• It's relatively new so they're still working a few kinks out. Remember I was the lady with the rejected card at the register.
• There aren't a ton of merchants yet.
• One more thing to keep track of.

Also, Marqeta will be loading two lucky Portland area cards with $1000.00 to spend at Marqeta merchants with their "Strike Gold With Marqeta" promotion.  Be sure and check it out.

Disclosure:  Marqeta funded my card with $100.00 to try it out at Finnegan's Village Toys.  Even though Hank believes his Dick is magic, the real $100.00 was welcome to supply toys under our Christmas tree.  

 

Aiming Low - Craptastic Christmas Gift Edition

Have you ever received a truly horrible Christmas gift?  Follow me over to Aiming Low and share.  I'm looking for ideas to sabotage the Christmas gift card exchange with my family this year. 

(Can you believe they are still letting me write there?)

http://aiminglow.com/2011/12/craptastic-christmas-gift-ideas/

 

Dicking Around

Dick has been in our lives for almost two weeks now.  Like most Dicks, I'm sick of him already.  At the end of a long night, when I finally put my head on the pillow to drift off to sleep, he starts bugging me.  I spring out of bed, with an "Oh, Dick!" and not in a good way.

I am not always the best mother, but I do want to make sure my kids have a Dick to amuse them in the morning.  If Dick were left in the same place for two days, they would be devastated.  

True our Dick is quite small and easy to manipulate, but I'm running out of hiding places.  I'm sick of dick.  Though I did have fun hiding him with this itty bitty kitty.  Help me keep the magic alive.  I linked up to Baby Rabies inappropriate Elf Contest.  It's a photo contest so I probably don't have much of a shot no matter how inappropriate I am.  However, I'm sure there are a few talented sickos that read this shit.

Vote for me if you have a second (I'm #86 with like 1 vote), or enter your own inappropriate Elf photo by clicking for details below.   

Vote For Tricky Dick

 

 

 

Horse Teeth

I like teeth.  Despite the wine and coffee build up between cleanings, mine aren't bad.  They are a little horse-ish in that greenery tends to get stuck.  If I avoid spinach dip in public, it isn't too big of a problem.  My good friends and family aren't shy about making a "neigh neigh" here or a "neigh neigh" there when there is something offensive caught in my incisors.

I went through a period of time in which I was called snaggle tooth, but after a few years of social isolation during middle school orthodontia, I came out alright on the other end.  Sophie recently endured the trauma herself, but it didn't seem to  phase her.  Fortunately, she was never prescribed head gear.

Overall, the whole dental experience is so much better for my children than it ever was for me growing up.  I have enjoyed a long and solid relationship with my dentist, but he doesn't t have 101 flavors of fluoride, a two story toy room, and roving magician.

When Sophie was born, there wasn’t a pediatric dentist on every corner either.  I naturally brought her to my dentist.  Sophie was a compliant child and followed directions well so there were never any issues.

Like so many decisions I made about Maren during her early years, I picked a pediatric dentist because I thought my dentist might hurt her when, not if, she bit him.  Not really, my dentist is a great guy that I have trusted for over 30 years.  I'm sure he had a straight jacket.  I just didn’t want Maren to get me 86’d from his office.

I have had the longest relationship with my dentist than any other health care professional in my life.  I have seen many a hygienist come and go and followed him to 3 offices.  When I moved 40 minutes away, I still drove to see him every 6 months or more depending on the state of my aging teeth.  

Last week, the pediatric dentist pissed me off.  I know the place is a machine.  It is designed to get children in and out as quickly as possible.  Ours often overbook appointments if the off chance everyone actually shows up.  Thankfully I was home sick, because I was irritated by proxy.  After Craig had waited with the kids for an hour in the lobby after their appointment start time, he left.

They did call and apologize a few hours later, but now I need to decide if they are ready to graduate to my dentist (I'm so possesive), find another pediatric dentist, or give the original machine another shot?

Where do your kids go, regular or pediatric dentist?

Photo Credit

10 Things I Learned While Sick

1.  The fact that my husband made me sleep on the couch does not mean he doesn't love me, it just means he won't be getting a blow job for Christmas.

2.  I would not trade my life for any of the Beverly Hill's Housewives.  I'm pretty comfortable in my orthopedic flip flops.  But those crazy bitches are sure fun to watch for hours.

3.  Kids have a high tolerance for pain.  Both Hank and Maren had strep throat a month ago and were each down about a day.  This shit has stolen a week of quality December shopping time.

4.  A heating pad is not just for the over 60 set.

5.  Math really is useful.  I totally figured out how much of Hank's Tylenol 3 would be an appropriate dose for me to get a good night's sleep.  On the couch.

6.  I prefer Sha-Quanda as a pet name over Pale Face.

7.  There is a rodent of unusual size living in the wall.  Behind the couch.

8.  Old school Popsicles aren't too bad when you're desperate.  Craig did the shopping and said the real fruit popsicles I buy when he's sick were too expensive.

9.  When you're drinking Nyquil Martini's, it is easy to forget small details like what time your kid gets out of school.  I only forgot Maren once.  She survived.

10.  If you wear the same pajamas for a week, they may stick to your bed sores.  Never mind, I think that was a funky dream I had after procuring Hank's Tylenol.     

 

Photo Credit

Zoo Lights

I am not a huge fan of the zoo most day.  It’s crowded, it stinks, and you can receive severe flesh wounds trying to rescue a child being attacked by killer lorikeets.  Being a parent is all about doing shit you don’t want and given our proximity to the Oregon Zoo, I take my children a few times a year anyway.  They’re kids, they LOVE the zoo.

I do, however, like Zoo Lights.  Every year during the holidays, the zoo is decorated like a Rhinestone Cowboy.  Over 1.5 million lights are used to illuminate the zoo for the annual Zoo Lights festivities.  It truly is spectacular what they do with those lights.  The best way to view all of the displays is to take a ride on the steamer train that circles the zoo. 

The downside to Zoo Lights is waiting in the train line with two frozen kids asking when it’s going to be their turn.  We waited in line approximately 30 minutes and we got there relatively early.  I have heard upwards of 90 minutes if you get there at prime time. 

They have Disneyland style queues for herding people, but it seems seat assignments for cars while waiting in line might speed up the boarding process. 

FYI, when the train finally rumbles out of the station and the littlest kid asks to play Angry Birds on your phone 2 minutes in, you may be tempted to choke him out.  I’ve heard.

It was really cold the night we went, but I guess that is to be expected in December.  On a positive note, the zoo doesn’t smell so bad when it’s below freezing. 

I am disclosing that our family was given complimentary admission to Zoolights, the train ride and a piece of fudge that only Hank liked (shocking I know).   Like always, all opinions are my own.

As an aside, I was given some information on winter break day camps at the zoo.  I am seriously considering it on the day they have“Northwest Art-i-facts” because they have campers visiting black bears and designing totem poles.  Since we have our very own black bear living somewhere nearby I thought it might be nice for Maren and Hank to learn about them.   Also, Sophie will be with Rat Bastard in California for a whole week during break and I will totally need a day off.  Anyone local want to carpool?